90. How to Stop Avoiding Disappointment and Start Building Capacity
Disappointment is one of those emotions we try to avoid at all costs. We brace for it, plan around it, and sometimes talk ourselves out of wanting things altogether just so we won’t have to feel it. But what if disappointment isn’t something to protect yourself from? What if it’s actually pointing you toward growth?
In this episode, I’m unpacking why disappointment feels so uncomfortable, why we instinctively avoid it, and how that avoidance can quietly limit the life you’re trying to build. Whether it’s disappointment in business, relationships, or your own expectations, there’s a reason it keeps showing up, and it’s not because you’re doing something wrong.
I’m also sharing four steps to stop avoiding disappointment and start building capacity so you can live bigger, braver, and more honestly. When you stop running from it and learn how to work with it, disappointment becomes a powerful teacher instead of a reason to quit.
Ready for clarity and a simple action plan to get your business started? Schedule a free 1-hour consultation with me here!
What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why we try to protect ourselves from disappointment before it even happens.
How avoiding disappointment can quietly limit your growth and decisions.
What it actually means to build capacity for disappointment.
Why disappointment is information, not failure.
How to extract meaning from disappointment and use it to move forward.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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Episodes Related to Stop Avoiding Disappointment:
8. Managing Your Mind: The Secret Weapon for Building Your Business
62. Why You Avoid Setting Big Goals (& How to Stop Playing It Safe)
Full Episode Transcript:
Have you ever stopped yourself from setting a big goal or really going for something because you didn't want to feel disappointed if it didn't happen? Like it almost felt safer not to hope too much. I realized recently that one of the biggest reasons we don't go all in on our goals isn't fear of failure, although that is a big one. It's the fear of being disappointed. Disappointed in ourselves, disappointed about money, disappointed that it didn't work out the way we'd hoped or planned.
Today, we're talking about disappointment, why we avoid it, and how growing your capacity to feel it actually allows you to live a bigger and braver life.
Welcome to How to Quit Your Job, the podcast for moms ready to ditch the nine-to-five and build a life and business they love. I’m your host, Jenna Rykiel. Let’s go.
Hi, Mom friends. You're listening to episode 90 of the How to Quit Your Job podcast. And I am recording this post-bedtime, which I usually don't do. I tried to record this a number of times today, and it just did not work out. I never recommend my moms working after bedtime. I don't think that it's the best time for our brain, at least most of my clients and myself. We just do not have all cylinders firing after bedtime.
But today, that's me, because sometimes you got to do what you got to do, and this recording and this episode is due today. And so we're going to make it happen. So you are getting a different version of me than normal, and it's going to be amazing. But just wanted to give a little bit of context as to when I am recording.
Today, I want to talk about a specific feeling that we all like to avoid at all costs, especially when it comes to starting a business and creating really any change in our life. I'm going to assume it's a feeling we're all used to experiencing in our lives, unfortunately. But when it comes to setting out to do something that has so much potential upside for growth and joy and fulfillment, we tend to hedge our bets to avoid this feeling. Of course, that feeling is disappointment.
I talked a little about disappointment in episode 62 in the larger context of us not setting big goals for ourselves, but that's not the only thing I see clients doing when they're trying to protect themselves from feeling disappointed. So I want to dive into this today. I want to talk about what disappointment is, where it comes from, why we want to avoid it so much, but also like the negative impact that it has on our lives and on our business.
And of course, as you know, then I also want to empower you with tools to grow your capacity and willingness to experience disappointment, all in the name of you living a bigger and bolder life. The life that you're dreaming of but might be holding yourself back from taking action on because you don't want to go all in and then be disappointed.
So this topic is going to be so eye-opening, and I want you to really think about your experience with feeling disappointed out in the real world. I tend to think of disappointment in two buckets: the disappointments we feel that are outside of ourselves and the disappointments within ourselves.
Outside of ourselves, it's like when we have plans to meet up with girlfriends for dinner and everyone's kids get sick, so it can't happen. And you feel disappointed. You had these plans, these expectations of how your Saturday was going to go, and now you're stuck at your house getting a tissue for your kid and blowing his nose every few minutes. Life isn't going as planned, and that can feel disappointing.
I also think of the disappointment we feel toward other people as disappointment outside of ourselves. So if I specifically ask my three-year-old not to do something and he does it, I might feel disappointed in his behavior. And certainly this can sometimes show up as sadness or frustration or anger, and sometimes disappointment looks like that. But these examples are external experiences of disappointment. They're happening outside of ourselves. A situation outside of ourselves has led to disappointment.
Now, there's also what I think of as the disappointment that happens within ourselves, and that's what I work with clients on more often. That's feeling disappointed in yourself because you didn't meet your own expectations. It's feeling disappointed because you imagined yourself hitting a goal and you fell short. Both buckets of disappointment feel pretty crummy. But when you're disappointed about something outside of yourself, it's easier not to take it personally.
Of course, we may still slip into taking it personally. When the girls' dinner gets canceled, we might go into a spin that this always happens to us and plans always get canceled, and we can slide into victim mode, which actually reminds me that I desperately need to do an episode on victim mentality because that's a whole other can of worms.
But as you can see, it's possible to experience disappointment outside of ourselves and then turn it inward. Still, often the sadness, anger, or frustration that we feel in those moments is directed outward. When it's disappointment within ourselves, the sadness, anger, or frustration is directed inward. And that happens almost by default in those situations when we are disappointed in ourselves.
And that flavor of disappointment is so much more toxic. It feels heavier in most cases because shame and guilt often get mixed in when we're disappointed in ourselves.
Let's say you just decided to start a business. Let's say it's a consulting business in the same industry you've built your career in. So you already have the expertise, the network, the connections. And you set a goal to sign a client, maybe in your first 30 days, and it doesn't happen. Not only is it easy to feel disappointed that the goal wasn't met. So maybe you were really counting on that money or that experience that you were going to get in those first 30 days. But there are usually other emotions layered on top that make it extra hard.
So maybe you feel embarrassed because you told your husband you were going to sign your first client and you didn't. Maybe you feel guilty because you left your job and thought this would be easier. Maybe you feel self-doubt and judgment that you weren't able to make it happen.
Disappointment happens because we have an idea of how we want things to go, and when it doesn't happen that way, we have unmet expectations. Of course, we want to avoid all of that because it doesn't feel good. But when we're thinking about avoiding feelings, I want us to really understand what we're trying to avoid. Because at the end of the day, it's not the actual feeling itself that we're trying to avoid. It's the thoughts and stories that come with it.
I know this because if we really think about what disappointment feels like in our body, it's actually pretty hard to describe. Maybe there's a heaviness, maybe you feel tired, maybe there's an emptiness in your chest. I honestly don't even know what it physically feels like for me. I was trying to think about it when I was thinking about this podcast episode.
It's not like jumping into an ice bath where the physical discomfort is undeniable. The stinging, the numbness, the pins and needles, that is a feeling that we can all describe. And people sign up for that every day. They pay money to get into ice baths. Or the physical pain like of a deep tissue massage or getting your eyebrows waxed or lifting weights. Those sensations are intense and very clear. And yet, we're willing to experience them.
The physical sensation of disappointment is mild in comparison to all those examples. So it's not the physical part we're avoiding. It's the mental part. It's the meaning we attach to it. It's the story. That's true for every emotion, and I talk about this at length in episode 8, so definitely check that out if you want to dig deeper into this.
So what we're really trying to avoid is what disappointment means about us. When you fall short of signing that client in 30 days, you might think, I'm not cut out for this. I let my family down. I'll never reach my financial goals. I don't know what I'm doing. This will never work. Nobody wants to hire me. Those thoughts are demotivating and deeply personal. And suddenly then disappointment about a goal turns into something painful about who we are.
So of course, we want to avoid that. That makes total sense. But it also doesn't have to go that way, and I'll talk about that in just a minute.
Let's talk about first why avoiding disappointment is so problematic. When we try to avoid feeling disappointed, we live a smaller life. We don't go for what we want because we're afraid of how we'll feel if we don't get it. So we set smaller goals or no goals at all. I've seen both. We stop letting ourselves dream. We don't project revenue. We don't make lists of what we do or buy or create once we're living that bigger life. We stay in the status quo, which is, in its own way, also disappointing. We just don't look too closely at it.
This has come up in several coaching sessions recently. I was talking to a client who started a consulting business, and she knows actually all the things she wants for her life once she's making more money: expanding her house, traveling, replacing the pool. But she hasn't looked at those things, like the actual cost, or factored in how long it will take her to get there. Why? Because she doesn't want to feel disappointed if she can't do it. She doesn't want to feel disappointed if she can't do them sooner, or if her mind starts questioning whether her business will ever reach that level financially.
And what I told her is this: when you notice yourself holding back because you don't want to disappoint yourself, remember that disappointment is an okay feeling in this process. It's a future problem to solve, not a current one. We're always trying to solve the problem of how do I avoid feeling disappointment in the future. But what I want to say is, let's solve that problem of disappointment in the future. And let's not even say it's a problem.
If and when you feel disappointed, maybe the pool is too expensive, the revenue goal wasn't met, the client said no, you can process it then. But the worst thing we can do is not take action or not dream big in order to protect ourselves from a feeling, any feeling really. Disappointment is in the car with us on this journey, just like fear and joy and love and uncertainty and all the other bundles of emotions. And the more willing we are to let it come along for the ride, the better decisions we're going to make.
So don't solve disappointment now by living small. Trust that you'll be able to handle the feeling if and when it shows up. We never want to protect ourselves from uncomfortable emotions because in doing that, we protect ourselves from growth. And ironically, that's so disappointing. Whether we hold ourselves back or fall short, both create disappointment, but only one of those options will give us the chance to learn and expand and live into the bigger life and the bigger goals.
Like I said, disappointment is a future problem to solve. And when it happens, all we have to do is manage the emotion. If we try and prevent it, what that means is we are not taking actions that lead to our goals. We're going, we're putting one toe in instead of jumping in. And there's ways we can jump in and it not be risky. It's so much better to take action, to go all in, to decide to take yourself seriously, to set big goals and strive for them, and then to deal with disappointment in the future if it's something that is on the table.
So lean into feeling disappointed. Allow for it to be part of the journey. Know that at any point you could be in a situation where you feel disappointment, and that's okay.
Just the other day, I had two different conversations with women who were interested in coaching. So these were consultations, and they were honestly such ideal clients. I could see so clearly exactly how coaching would change their lives, both in their day-to-day life right now in what they were struggling with and in the long game with their business and career goals. We talked through what coaching looks like, what we'd work on, what support would be there, and both of them said that they wanted some time to think about it.
About a week later for one and a week and a half later for the other, I end up getting, within the same five-minute span, I got a text from one of them and an email from the other saying they weren't going to move forward right now. And I was so disappointed. I felt like these were such missed opportunities. Not just for me. Yes, of course, there's the business side of it and the excitement of bringing two more amazing moms into the one-to-one space and the group conversations that I foster.
But also because I was disappointed in myself. It was really clear to me that I could have explained things so differently and clearly, because the reasons they were giving for saying no were exactly the reasons why coaching would be so powerful for them right now.
There was this layer of, "Ugh, I wish I had said that better. I wish I had framed that more clearly. I wish they could see what I can see." And it didn't help that the timing made it feel extra heavy. Getting both messages almost at the same moment a week or a week and a half later, it felt heavy. I wasn't expecting a message from either of them. And it was like, "Okay, wow. This is a lot at once."
And in that moment, I could very easily see how someone might want to protect themselves from that kind of disappointment by just not putting themselves out there, by not having conversations, by not making the offer, by not letting themselves hope for the yes. But if you don't do that, then you never get the yes either. I actually tell clients sometimes to go out and aim for 100 no's. Make offers, have conversations, let people say no, and let that be part of the process. Let it feel like a win that you got a no. Because when no isn't something you're trying to avoid, you actually end up getting some yeses along the way.
The disappointment is part of it. Would it have been easier emotionally to not have those consults, to not make the offer, to not risk hearing a no? Maybe in the short term. But then I also would have been protecting myself from the exact thing that grows my business, grows my skills, and helps me get better at serving the women I'm here to help. So when those two no's came in, it was then my job to feel the disappointment and deal with it. Not to make it mean something about me, not to spiral, but to actually process it and learn from it.
And that's where building your capacity for disappointment comes in. And that's what I want to talk about now. So what does it actually look like when we stop protecting ourselves and we decide we're going to allow disappointment to be part of the journey? Then what happens? We have to grow our capacity to feel disappointed. We have to grow our willingness to feel disappointed. And I want to give you a step-by-step structure for this because it's one thing to say, "Feel your feelings," and it's another thing to know what to do when you're in a moment and your brain is spiraling and you're trying to pretend you're fine.
So step one, step one sets the foundation. This is the groundwork. Don't protect yourself from disappointment in advance. It's deciding ahead of time, disappointment might happen, and I'm not going to make that a problem. That's like the pre-work. I'm not going to avoid the goal or avoid the conversation or avoid going all in just so I can avoid being disappointed. Like with consults, I have consults all the time, and I know not everyone is going to say yes. I'm ready for the disappointment that comes with hearing no. That's part of the process. That's part of being visible. That's part of growing.
Is it still disappointing when I hear a no? Of course. Would it be safer emotionally to not put myself out there? Sure. But like I said, then I'm also protecting myself from the yes. And that's not a life I want, and it's not a business I want. It's not the impact I want.
So step one is just deciding ahead of time, I'm not solving for disappointment right now by playing small. Disappointment is a future problem to solve, not a current problem to prevent.
Step two, when it hits, I want you to allow it, name it, and pause. Okay. So then disappointment shows up, as it does in every single business. Trust me. Trust me, you cannot do this work, any type of work where you're creating something of your own and putting your whole heart into something and not experience disappointment in some way, shape, or form. So it's going to show up. And this is the part where most of us want to move right past it and shove it down and pretend it didn't happen.
For me, when those two no's came in back to back, I was actually at a health appointment. I got a text, and then for some ungodly reason, I checked my email, which I didn't even need to do. And then I saw the other one. And immediately I felt it. And there was this logical part of me that was like, "This is fine. Nothing has gone wrong. I literally coach people around hearing no all day."
And then there was the emotional part of me that thought, "No, there is something here. You need to pause and deal with this." And it didn't whisper that to me very subtly. It was just that I couldn't focus. I was distracted. I was carrying it around with me the entire rest of the day.
And later that night, I was about to do bedtime with my son, and everything he was doing was annoying me so much. And I knew that wasn't really about him. That was about me sitting on disappointment and trying to shove it down and pretend everything was okay. So I took a moment. I actually walked out of his bedroom and said I was going to grab him water, and I just allowed myself to pause.
I put my hand on my heart, which is something my coach has been working with me on. And I just let myself feel disappointed. Tears actually came up, and I let the heaviness be there. I let the thoughts surface, and I didn't try to fix it in that moment. I didn't try to positive-think my way out of it. I just allowed it. And it was maybe two minutes. It wasn't an hour. It wasn't dramatic. I wasn't sitting and meditating. I wasn't journaling. I was just pausing with my hand over my heart, and I just allowed whatever wanted to come up to come up. It was just letting the emotion move through instead of pretending it wasn't there.
And this is what I mean when I say you are safe even when you feel disappointed. You can feel disappointed and nothing has gone wrong. So the second thing there is just noticing it and allowing yourself to feel it. That is step two.
Step three, we go up to the head. Don't make it mean something about you. This is where disappointment can turn toxic. Disappointment becomes a problem when you make it mean I'm not cut out for this or you make it mean I can't do this, or I'm failing, or I'll never reach my goals. And I could feel my brain wanting to go there, honestly. When those two women said no, the easy thing would have been to make it personal. Like something is wrong with me. I don't know what I'm doing. I'll never be able to get a yes.
But instead, I reminded myself, "This is just disappointment. It's a vibration in my body. The worst part is the thoughts and the stories." So I let the thoughts come up, but I didn't treat them like truth. I didn't let it become a whole identity crisis. I didn't let it become proof that coaching isn't working or that my business isn't going to get where I want it to go. It was just a moment, a feeling, an unmet expectation. That's it. And this is such a big part of emotional capacity, being able to feel disappointed without turning it into a personal attack.
Step four, I want you to extract the learning and let it move you forward. This is the part most of us miss. It's that disappointment is data. Once I actually let myself feel it, I was able to get curious. When I finally wasn't taking it personal and it just became another data point, I asked myself, "Okay, what's the learning here? How is this happening for me? What is this trying to show me?"
And that's when I realized I missed the mark in explaining the value of coaching. I missed the mark meeting them where they were at and explaining how coaching can also meet them where they are at and be super valuable. Both of them said some version of I'm not ready.
And the last thing you need for coaching with me is readiness. Coaching doesn't require you to be ready. It requires you to be open. Coaching is what helps you get mentally and emotionally ready to pursue the big thing. It helps you create the foundation. It's not something you do after the foundation is set. I mean, you can do coaching after the foundation is set, but coaching helps you build that strong foundation.
And that was such an important insight for me because it immediately showed me what I need to clarify, how I need to explain it differently, and how I can actually meet women where they are so that coaching itself doesn't feel intimidating.
I also didn't stop there. Once I was in the space of learning and curiosity, I literally took their responses. I wrote them down in my journal word for word. I pulled up other no responses that I had received in the past, and I started analyzing them for themes. I started looking for what's coming up for people? What do they think coaching is? What's making them feel like they need to be ready before they get support?
And even beyond that, it started stirring up this whole new idea and concept for an offer that better meets moms earlier in the process. That doesn't happen when you avoid disappointment. That doesn't happen when you shove it down and pretend it didn't happen, pretend it didn't sting. It happened because I was willing to experience the emotion, look at it, lean into it, and really face it head on.
It would have been so much easier to pretend those no's never happened, and trust me, I thought about that. But then the disappointment would have eaten at me instead of becoming something that motivated action in my business.
So here's what I really want to leave you with. Let disappointment be something you deal with when it's happening. It's a future problem to solve, not something you need to prevent by living small right now. If your goals don't come to fruition, if you fall short, if a client says no, if you don't create the revenue you projected, it's not a problem. All you have to do then, in that moment when those things happen, is manage the emotion of disappointment. And you are capable of doing that.
Disappointment is just a vibration in your body. The hardest part is the thoughts that come with it. And when you don't make it mean anything about you as a person, about your worth, about your ability, about your future, you can really extract exactly what you need from that moment to keep moving forward. And listen, the level of disappointment you feel is also congruent with how much you care and how much you want this. So when you feel really disappointed, it means that you really want to keep trying. You really want to hit that goal.
So don't protect yourself from disappointment by living a smaller life. Lean into it. Let it be part of the journey. Let it be in the car with you. As I said, just like fear, joy, love, uncertainty, all those things. Know that if and when it shows up, you will be able to face it and you will get through it. And this is really the heart of what I do with moms in coaching. It's not just about strategy or building a business, it's about building the capacity to feel any feeling, to not be afraid of your own emotional experience, and to know that you can handle whatever comes up on the path to creating the life and business you actually want.
Because when you know you can handle any feeling, including and especially disappointment, you stop holding yourself back. You stop playing small. You stop waiting until you feel ready, and you start showing up for your life and your business in a much bigger way. And if as you've been listening to this episode, you've thought, "Yeah, I can see how I'm protecting myself from disappointment and it's keeping me stuck." That's exactly the kind of thing we explore in my one-hour free consultation. It's a chance to look at what you're avoiding and how to build the emotional capacity to go after what you really want.
And whether we connect or not, I want you to know that you don't need to eliminate uncomfortable emotions from the process. You just need to build the acceptance and capacity to experience them and keep going anyway. Because when you're willing to feel any feeling, you really are capable of creating anything.
Thanks for listening, Mama. I'll see you next week.
Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of How to Quit Your Job: A Mom’s Guide to Creating a Life and Business You Love. If you want to learn more about how I can help you stop making excuses and start making moves, head on over to www.jenna.coach. I’ll see you next week.
Today, we're talking about disappointment, why we avoid it, and how growing your capacity to feel it actually allows you to live a bigger and braver life.
Welcome to How to Quit Your Job, the podcast for moms ready to ditch the nine-to-five and build a life and business they love. I’m your host, Jenna Rykiel. Let’s go.
Hi, Mom friends. You're listening to episode 90 of the How to Quit Your Job podcast. And I am recording this post-bedtime, which I usually don't do. I tried to record this a number of times today, and it just did not work out. I never recommend my moms working after bedtime. I don't think that it's the best time for our brain, at least most of my clients and myself. We just do not have all cylinders firing after bedtime.
But today, that's me, because sometimes you got to do what you got to do, and this recording and this episode is due today. And so we're going to make it happen. So you are getting a different version of me than normal, and it's going to be amazing. But just wanted to give a little bit of context as to when I am recording.
Today, I want to talk about a specific feeling that we all like to avoid at all costs, especially when it comes to starting a business and creating really any change in our life. I'm going to assume it's a feeling we're all used to experiencing in our lives, unfortunately. But when it comes to setting out to do something that has so much potential upside for growth and joy and fulfillment, we tend to hedge our bets to avoid this feeling. Of course, that feeling is disappointment.
I talked a little about disappointment in episode 62 in the larger context of us not setting big goals for ourselves, but that's not the only thing I see clients doing when they're trying to protect themselves from feeling disappointed. So I want to dive into this today. I want to talk about what disappointment is, where it comes from, why we want to avoid it so much, but also like the negative impact that it has on our lives and on our business.
And of course, as you know, then I also want to empower you with tools to grow your capacity and willingness to experience disappointment, all in the name of you living a bigger and bolder life. The life that you're dreaming of but might be holding yourself back from taking action on because you don't want to go all in and then be disappointed.
So this topic is going to be so eye-opening, and I want you to really think about your experience with feeling disappointed out in the real world. I tend to think of disappointment in two buckets: the disappointments we feel that are outside of ourselves and the disappointments within ourselves.
Outside of ourselves, it's like when we have plans to meet up with girlfriends for dinner and everyone's kids get sick, so it can't happen. And you feel disappointed. You had these plans, these expectations of how your Saturday was going to go, and now you're stuck at your house getting a tissue for your kid and blowing his nose every few minutes. Life isn't going as planned, and that can feel disappointing.
I also think of the disappointment we feel toward other people as disappointment outside of ourselves. So if I specifically ask my three-year-old not to do something and he does it, I might feel disappointed in his behavior. And certainly this can sometimes show up as sadness or frustration or anger, and sometimes disappointment looks like that. But these examples are external experiences of disappointment. They're happening outside of ourselves. A situation outside of ourselves has led to disappointment.
Now, there's also what I think of as the disappointment that happens within ourselves, and that's what I work with clients on more often. That's feeling disappointed in yourself because you didn't meet your own expectations. It's feeling disappointed because you imagined yourself hitting a goal and you fell short. Both buckets of disappointment feel pretty crummy. But when you're disappointed about something outside of yourself, it's easier not to take it personally.
Of course, we may still slip into taking it personally. When the girls' dinner gets canceled, we might go into a spin that this always happens to us and plans always get canceled, and we can slide into victim mode, which actually reminds me that I desperately need to do an episode on victim mentality because that's a whole other can of worms.
But as you can see, it's possible to experience disappointment outside of ourselves and then turn it inward. Still, often the sadness, anger, or frustration that we feel in those moments is directed outward. When it's disappointment within ourselves, the sadness, anger, or frustration is directed inward. And that happens almost by default in those situations when we are disappointed in ourselves.
And that flavor of disappointment is so much more toxic. It feels heavier in most cases because shame and guilt often get mixed in when we're disappointed in ourselves.
Let's say you just decided to start a business. Let's say it's a consulting business in the same industry you've built your career in. So you already have the expertise, the network, the connections. And you set a goal to sign a client, maybe in your first 30 days, and it doesn't happen. Not only is it easy to feel disappointed that the goal wasn't met. So maybe you were really counting on that money or that experience that you were going to get in those first 30 days. But there are usually other emotions layered on top that make it extra hard.
So maybe you feel embarrassed because you told your husband you were going to sign your first client and you didn't. Maybe you feel guilty because you left your job and thought this would be easier. Maybe you feel self-doubt and judgment that you weren't able to make it happen.
Disappointment happens because we have an idea of how we want things to go, and when it doesn't happen that way, we have unmet expectations. Of course, we want to avoid all of that because it doesn't feel good. But when we're thinking about avoiding feelings, I want us to really understand what we're trying to avoid. Because at the end of the day, it's not the actual feeling itself that we're trying to avoid. It's the thoughts and stories that come with it.
I know this because if we really think about what disappointment feels like in our body, it's actually pretty hard to describe. Maybe there's a heaviness, maybe you feel tired, maybe there's an emptiness in your chest. I honestly don't even know what it physically feels like for me. I was trying to think about it when I was thinking about this podcast episode.
It's not like jumping into an ice bath where the physical discomfort is undeniable. The stinging, the numbness, the pins and needles, that is a feeling that we can all describe. And people sign up for that every day. They pay money to get into ice baths. Or the physical pain like of a deep tissue massage or getting your eyebrows waxed or lifting weights. Those sensations are intense and very clear. And yet, we're willing to experience them.
The physical sensation of disappointment is mild in comparison to all those examples. So it's not the physical part we're avoiding. It's the mental part. It's the meaning we attach to it. It's the story. That's true for every emotion, and I talk about this at length in episode 8, so definitely check that out if you want to dig deeper into this.
So what we're really trying to avoid is what disappointment means about us. When you fall short of signing that client in 30 days, you might think, I'm not cut out for this. I let my family down. I'll never reach my financial goals. I don't know what I'm doing. This will never work. Nobody wants to hire me. Those thoughts are demotivating and deeply personal. And suddenly then disappointment about a goal turns into something painful about who we are.
So of course, we want to avoid that. That makes total sense. But it also doesn't have to go that way, and I'll talk about that in just a minute.
Let's talk about first why avoiding disappointment is so problematic. When we try to avoid feeling disappointed, we live a smaller life. We don't go for what we want because we're afraid of how we'll feel if we don't get it. So we set smaller goals or no goals at all. I've seen both. We stop letting ourselves dream. We don't project revenue. We don't make lists of what we do or buy or create once we're living that bigger life. We stay in the status quo, which is, in its own way, also disappointing. We just don't look too closely at it.
This has come up in several coaching sessions recently. I was talking to a client who started a consulting business, and she knows actually all the things she wants for her life once she's making more money: expanding her house, traveling, replacing the pool. But she hasn't looked at those things, like the actual cost, or factored in how long it will take her to get there. Why? Because she doesn't want to feel disappointed if she can't do it. She doesn't want to feel disappointed if she can't do them sooner, or if her mind starts questioning whether her business will ever reach that level financially.
And what I told her is this: when you notice yourself holding back because you don't want to disappoint yourself, remember that disappointment is an okay feeling in this process. It's a future problem to solve, not a current one. We're always trying to solve the problem of how do I avoid feeling disappointment in the future. But what I want to say is, let's solve that problem of disappointment in the future. And let's not even say it's a problem.
If and when you feel disappointed, maybe the pool is too expensive, the revenue goal wasn't met, the client said no, you can process it then. But the worst thing we can do is not take action or not dream big in order to protect ourselves from a feeling, any feeling really. Disappointment is in the car with us on this journey, just like fear and joy and love and uncertainty and all the other bundles of emotions. And the more willing we are to let it come along for the ride, the better decisions we're going to make.
So don't solve disappointment now by living small. Trust that you'll be able to handle the feeling if and when it shows up. We never want to protect ourselves from uncomfortable emotions because in doing that, we protect ourselves from growth. And ironically, that's so disappointing. Whether we hold ourselves back or fall short, both create disappointment, but only one of those options will give us the chance to learn and expand and live into the bigger life and the bigger goals.
Like I said, disappointment is a future problem to solve. And when it happens, all we have to do is manage the emotion. If we try and prevent it, what that means is we are not taking actions that lead to our goals. We're going, we're putting one toe in instead of jumping in. And there's ways we can jump in and it not be risky. It's so much better to take action, to go all in, to decide to take yourself seriously, to set big goals and strive for them, and then to deal with disappointment in the future if it's something that is on the table.
So lean into feeling disappointed. Allow for it to be part of the journey. Know that at any point you could be in a situation where you feel disappointment, and that's okay.
Just the other day, I had two different conversations with women who were interested in coaching. So these were consultations, and they were honestly such ideal clients. I could see so clearly exactly how coaching would change their lives, both in their day-to-day life right now in what they were struggling with and in the long game with their business and career goals. We talked through what coaching looks like, what we'd work on, what support would be there, and both of them said that they wanted some time to think about it.
About a week later for one and a week and a half later for the other, I end up getting, within the same five-minute span, I got a text from one of them and an email from the other saying they weren't going to move forward right now. And I was so disappointed. I felt like these were such missed opportunities. Not just for me. Yes, of course, there's the business side of it and the excitement of bringing two more amazing moms into the one-to-one space and the group conversations that I foster.
But also because I was disappointed in myself. It was really clear to me that I could have explained things so differently and clearly, because the reasons they were giving for saying no were exactly the reasons why coaching would be so powerful for them right now.
There was this layer of, "Ugh, I wish I had said that better. I wish I had framed that more clearly. I wish they could see what I can see." And it didn't help that the timing made it feel extra heavy. Getting both messages almost at the same moment a week or a week and a half later, it felt heavy. I wasn't expecting a message from either of them. And it was like, "Okay, wow. This is a lot at once."
And in that moment, I could very easily see how someone might want to protect themselves from that kind of disappointment by just not putting themselves out there, by not having conversations, by not making the offer, by not letting themselves hope for the yes. But if you don't do that, then you never get the yes either. I actually tell clients sometimes to go out and aim for 100 no's. Make offers, have conversations, let people say no, and let that be part of the process. Let it feel like a win that you got a no. Because when no isn't something you're trying to avoid, you actually end up getting some yeses along the way.
The disappointment is part of it. Would it have been easier emotionally to not have those consults, to not make the offer, to not risk hearing a no? Maybe in the short term. But then I also would have been protecting myself from the exact thing that grows my business, grows my skills, and helps me get better at serving the women I'm here to help. So when those two no's came in, it was then my job to feel the disappointment and deal with it. Not to make it mean something about me, not to spiral, but to actually process it and learn from it.
And that's where building your capacity for disappointment comes in. And that's what I want to talk about now. So what does it actually look like when we stop protecting ourselves and we decide we're going to allow disappointment to be part of the journey? Then what happens? We have to grow our capacity to feel disappointed. We have to grow our willingness to feel disappointed. And I want to give you a step-by-step structure for this because it's one thing to say, "Feel your feelings," and it's another thing to know what to do when you're in a moment and your brain is spiraling and you're trying to pretend you're fine.
So step one, step one sets the foundation. This is the groundwork. Don't protect yourself from disappointment in advance. It's deciding ahead of time, disappointment might happen, and I'm not going to make that a problem. That's like the pre-work. I'm not going to avoid the goal or avoid the conversation or avoid going all in just so I can avoid being disappointed. Like with consults, I have consults all the time, and I know not everyone is going to say yes. I'm ready for the disappointment that comes with hearing no. That's part of the process. That's part of being visible. That's part of growing.
Is it still disappointing when I hear a no? Of course. Would it be safer emotionally to not put myself out there? Sure. But like I said, then I'm also protecting myself from the yes. And that's not a life I want, and it's not a business I want. It's not the impact I want.
So step one is just deciding ahead of time, I'm not solving for disappointment right now by playing small. Disappointment is a future problem to solve, not a current problem to prevent.
Step two, when it hits, I want you to allow it, name it, and pause. Okay. So then disappointment shows up, as it does in every single business. Trust me. Trust me, you cannot do this work, any type of work where you're creating something of your own and putting your whole heart into something and not experience disappointment in some way, shape, or form. So it's going to show up. And this is the part where most of us want to move right past it and shove it down and pretend it didn't happen.
For me, when those two no's came in back to back, I was actually at a health appointment. I got a text, and then for some ungodly reason, I checked my email, which I didn't even need to do. And then I saw the other one. And immediately I felt it. And there was this logical part of me that was like, "This is fine. Nothing has gone wrong. I literally coach people around hearing no all day."
And then there was the emotional part of me that thought, "No, there is something here. You need to pause and deal with this." And it didn't whisper that to me very subtly. It was just that I couldn't focus. I was distracted. I was carrying it around with me the entire rest of the day.
And later that night, I was about to do bedtime with my son, and everything he was doing was annoying me so much. And I knew that wasn't really about him. That was about me sitting on disappointment and trying to shove it down and pretend everything was okay. So I took a moment. I actually walked out of his bedroom and said I was going to grab him water, and I just allowed myself to pause.
I put my hand on my heart, which is something my coach has been working with me on. And I just let myself feel disappointed. Tears actually came up, and I let the heaviness be there. I let the thoughts surface, and I didn't try to fix it in that moment. I didn't try to positive-think my way out of it. I just allowed it. And it was maybe two minutes. It wasn't an hour. It wasn't dramatic. I wasn't sitting and meditating. I wasn't journaling. I was just pausing with my hand over my heart, and I just allowed whatever wanted to come up to come up. It was just letting the emotion move through instead of pretending it wasn't there.
And this is what I mean when I say you are safe even when you feel disappointed. You can feel disappointed and nothing has gone wrong. So the second thing there is just noticing it and allowing yourself to feel it. That is step two.
Step three, we go up to the head. Don't make it mean something about you. This is where disappointment can turn toxic. Disappointment becomes a problem when you make it mean I'm not cut out for this or you make it mean I can't do this, or I'm failing, or I'll never reach my goals. And I could feel my brain wanting to go there, honestly. When those two women said no, the easy thing would have been to make it personal. Like something is wrong with me. I don't know what I'm doing. I'll never be able to get a yes.
But instead, I reminded myself, "This is just disappointment. It's a vibration in my body. The worst part is the thoughts and the stories." So I let the thoughts come up, but I didn't treat them like truth. I didn't let it become a whole identity crisis. I didn't let it become proof that coaching isn't working or that my business isn't going to get where I want it to go. It was just a moment, a feeling, an unmet expectation. That's it. And this is such a big part of emotional capacity, being able to feel disappointed without turning it into a personal attack.
Step four, I want you to extract the learning and let it move you forward. This is the part most of us miss. It's that disappointment is data. Once I actually let myself feel it, I was able to get curious. When I finally wasn't taking it personal and it just became another data point, I asked myself, "Okay, what's the learning here? How is this happening for me? What is this trying to show me?"
And that's when I realized I missed the mark in explaining the value of coaching. I missed the mark meeting them where they were at and explaining how coaching can also meet them where they are at and be super valuable. Both of them said some version of I'm not ready.
And the last thing you need for coaching with me is readiness. Coaching doesn't require you to be ready. It requires you to be open. Coaching is what helps you get mentally and emotionally ready to pursue the big thing. It helps you create the foundation. It's not something you do after the foundation is set. I mean, you can do coaching after the foundation is set, but coaching helps you build that strong foundation.
And that was such an important insight for me because it immediately showed me what I need to clarify, how I need to explain it differently, and how I can actually meet women where they are so that coaching itself doesn't feel intimidating.
I also didn't stop there. Once I was in the space of learning and curiosity, I literally took their responses. I wrote them down in my journal word for word. I pulled up other no responses that I had received in the past, and I started analyzing them for themes. I started looking for what's coming up for people? What do they think coaching is? What's making them feel like they need to be ready before they get support?
And even beyond that, it started stirring up this whole new idea and concept for an offer that better meets moms earlier in the process. That doesn't happen when you avoid disappointment. That doesn't happen when you shove it down and pretend it didn't happen, pretend it didn't sting. It happened because I was willing to experience the emotion, look at it, lean into it, and really face it head on.
It would have been so much easier to pretend those no's never happened, and trust me, I thought about that. But then the disappointment would have eaten at me instead of becoming something that motivated action in my business.
So here's what I really want to leave you with. Let disappointment be something you deal with when it's happening. It's a future problem to solve, not something you need to prevent by living small right now. If your goals don't come to fruition, if you fall short, if a client says no, if you don't create the revenue you projected, it's not a problem. All you have to do then, in that moment when those things happen, is manage the emotion of disappointment. And you are capable of doing that.
Disappointment is just a vibration in your body. The hardest part is the thoughts that come with it. And when you don't make it mean anything about you as a person, about your worth, about your ability, about your future, you can really extract exactly what you need from that moment to keep moving forward. And listen, the level of disappointment you feel is also congruent with how much you care and how much you want this. So when you feel really disappointed, it means that you really want to keep trying. You really want to hit that goal.
So don't protect yourself from disappointment by living a smaller life. Lean into it. Let it be part of the journey. Let it be in the car with you. As I said, just like fear, joy, love, uncertainty, all those things. Know that if and when it shows up, you will be able to face it and you will get through it. And this is really the heart of what I do with moms in coaching. It's not just about strategy or building a business, it's about building the capacity to feel any feeling, to not be afraid of your own emotional experience, and to know that you can handle whatever comes up on the path to creating the life and business you actually want.
Because when you know you can handle any feeling, including and especially disappointment, you stop holding yourself back. You stop playing small. You stop waiting until you feel ready, and you start showing up for your life and your business in a much bigger way. And if as you've been listening to this episode, you've thought, "Yeah, I can see how I'm protecting myself from disappointment and it's keeping me stuck." That's exactly the kind of thing we explore in my one-hour free consultation. It's a chance to look at what you're avoiding and how to build the emotional capacity to go after what you really want.
And whether we connect or not, I want you to know that you don't need to eliminate uncomfortable emotions from the process. You just need to build the acceptance and capacity to experience them and keep going anyway. Because when you're willing to feel any feeling, you really are capable of creating anything.
Thanks for listening, Mama. I'll see you next week.
Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of How to Quit Your Job: A Mom’s Guide to Creating a Life and Business You Love. If you want to learn more about how I can help you stop making excuses and start making moves, head on over to www.jenna.coach. I’ll see you next week.
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