4 Ways to Commit to Connection
TL:DR - Connection is not just a “nice to have” — we literally need it to survive. Unfortunately, relationships aren’t created and/or maintained without effort. If you’re feeling disconnected, there are more ways than one to build connection;
Self Compassion
Foster Current Relationships
Make New Friends
Be of Service
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Sometimes I feel like a broken record, but I can’t overstate it enough— as humans, we need connection.
It’s been proven scientifically and anecdotally throughout all of time. We wouldn’t be such an evolved species if we didn’t have the capacity and natural inclination to exist together, in community. In Vivek Murthy’s book, Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, the former Surgeon General talks about an epidemic of loneliness that has been plaguing the United States— and truly, the world— in recent years. This wouldn’t be such a big deal if loneliness weren’t directly tied to negative health outcomes. In fact, Murthy states that, “loneliness and weak social connections are associated with a reduction in life span similar to that caused by smoking 15 cigarettes a day”.
And while there are a myriad of reasons this is happening, let’s focus on what we can do, individually, to mitigate loneliness and fuel connection in our own lives more regularly.
First and foremost, we need more self compassion.
As a coach, I feel like self-compassion is the new secret sauce for every problem or pickle, which includes mitigating feelings of loneliness and isolation.
This may seem counterintuitive because the ultimate goal is interpersonal connections with other humans, but the truth is that negative beliefs about ourselves are keeping us from connecting authentically with others. More often than not, we are worrying about what other people think of us, which means that instead of authentic connection, we’re only paying attention to what’s going on between our ears. We may avoid people or places because of insecurities or thoughts that we don’t belong.
If we were more compassionate with ourselves, we wouldn't worry so much about other people's opinions and our negative self talk wouldn’t create such an obstacle. It’s important to remember that someone's opinion of you, whether positive or negative, tells you more about them than it does about you. If someone decides that you’re not their cup of tea, that's okay!— it's better to be yourself and attract genuine connection than to be someone you’re not. When we try to shape shift to someone that appeases everyone, we are giving up an important part of ourselves, which makes it harder for our actual people to find us.
Be kind to yourself and if it’s hard to love yourself fully right now, that’s okay— we’re all working on it. Living in this authenticity not only saves a lot of energy, it attracts the type of people who will make connection that much more powerful.
That's where self-compassion leads us… to OUR people.
And that’s what leads us to genuine connection.
Okay, now that we understand that the relationship with ourselves is most important and that self-compassion is the bedrock of how genuine relationships are made, we can talk about those interpersonal relationships. When we’re being kind to ourself and not spending energy obsessing over what people think of us— it's time for some real connection. The next way to prioritize connection is to;
2. Foster the relationships you already have.
Allocate the time and energy necessary to foster the relationships you already have. Trust me, I understand that life gets in the way and time can feel like our enemy, but connection is important to our health and longevity, so it's worthwhile to build it into our schedules.
Whether it be a quick text to a good friend you haven't talked to in awhile or setting up a walk in the park to catch up, being intentional about connecting with friends is incredibly important, especially as you age and it becomes more difficult to keep in contact.
This isn't to say that you should maintain every friendship you've ever had, you should absolutely choose to invest time and energy in relationships that give you energy and have a foundation of trust and respect, but keep in mind that maintaining relationships take work. Sometimes we trick ourselves to believe that friendships “should” be easy and effortless— it’s simply not true.
“There is no autopilot mode for a Big Friendship. You just have to keep showing up. Active friendships require active maintenance. You don’t get to sit back, do nothing, and enjoy the benefits of a meaningful relationship— any relationship. But action is especially important to friendship, which carries no familial expectations or marriage license. If you don’t take action to mark it as important and keep it alive, a friendship will not survive”. Big Friendship, Book by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman
When we’re focusing time and energy on our established relationships, it can feel less important to worry about making new ones. Let’s be honest, it's harder to make new friends and priorities are constantly shifting, which doesn't bode well for meeting new people. Experts say that when it comes to friendship, ages 30 to 50 tend to be a low point. As someone in this age group, I couldn't agree more. But without new friends, you’ll never know how people you haven’t yet met could shape and impact your life. That’s part of the reason why the next commitment to connection is to;
3. Make New Friends
When I moved into a new city in 2016, my introverted nature was shining through-- I had enough friends and didn't need new ones. I was curmudgeonly in how I thought about new relationships because maintaining connection with people I've already developed so much trust and respect with over the years was taking up a lot of my time and attention. I couldn't have been more wrong. With a little nudge from my wildly extroverted partner, I started to make an effort to meet new people. I opened myself up to friendships at work and made an effort to meet neighbors. What resulted were new people and perspectives that shaped me in just the first year of friendships.
I've been grateful to find people who enjoy playing scrabble as much as I do (which is something my friend group lacked before) and I developed trust with people from very different walks of life. I remember listening to the Michelle Obama podcast in 2020 and listening to the episode about friendship. All of the friendships she highlighted as her most important and powerful ones are friends that she met after her most formative years, during the so called "low point" of friendships. I look around at other adults in my life, those in their 50's and above, and notice that they too have circles of friends that didn't exist when they were my age.
It's unthinkable to imagine that there is a future group of friends who will be the ones I lean on most that I haven't even met yet.
It's unthinkable, but inspiring to challenge each of us to keep meeting new people and being open to new friendships. The book Big Friendship (quoted above as well) says, “There’s a popular belief that people age out of this desire to make friends. They get married or have kids or get a demanding job, and see their free time shrink. They make a choice to focus on the people they already know rather than trying to meet new friends. But even on the other side of a big life event, people can find themselves looking around and wishing they had more friendships rooted in deep connection”.
We want and need to evolve our relationships as we evolve in life. Find your people who will play Scrabble with you in the park. Be open to the possibility that there are people out there that you’ve never met who will be your rock in the years to come. And as you continue to be inspired by the new people you’re meeting, take time to;
4. Be of Service in Your Community
Lastly, and sometimes most importantly, connection can and should be built at the community level. So many of my clients say they wish they were doing more for the community and I say, do it. It doesn't have to be a monumental commitment, it can be a couple hours a week or a month, but being of service to others and connected to the community in some ways is incredible powerful.
There are plenty of opportunities and organizations where you don't even need to leave your house. In the middle of covid, when physical connection was impossible and when isolation was at an all time high, I found an organization in Denver, CO called A Little Help, which connects seniors in the community with people and resources. I signed up for care calls and was matched with a woman named Mable and the rest is truly history. We've talked every week for at least an hour (sometimes 2-3 hrs) and it has been a connection that makes my heart and soul so full. It offers connection and friendship at a time when those two things felt almost impossible.
There are plenty of opportunities to build connection in a way that feels bigger than yourself and truthfully, it doesn't even have to people with people. Connecting with other species (especially dogs) is also said to fill our human needs for connection. Volunteer at a local shelter to walk dogs or play with cats.
Another way you can create a ripple effect of connection and kindness is through Random Acts of Kindness-- doing something for someone else, without taking credit for it. Pay for the person behind you in the toll, slip a kind note into the library book before you return it, leave the waiter a generous tip, post inspirational sticky notes around your neighborhood, leave a note on someone's car about how awesome they parked-- create a ripple effect of kindness that permeates throughout the community.
While I recommend building all four commitments into your life, you may need to just start with one. Whatever the process looks like for you, please make a commitment to connection. It’s good for your health 💜
“Strong relationships are what matter most. They improve our health, enhance our performance, and enable us to rise above differences of opinion and ideology to come together and take on big challenges as a society. Human connection is the foundation on which we build everything else.” - Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World
