89. Why Other People’s Opinions Hold You Back (& How to Take Your Power Back)
Other people’s opinions have a quiet way of shaping our decisions, even when we don’t realize it. You might tell yourself you’re being practical or realistic, but underneath that logic is often a fear of judgment, disappointment, or being misunderstood. Over time, this can keep you playing smaller than you want to, especially for moms thinking about quitting their nine-to-five or starting a business.
In this episode, I unpack why other people’s opinions carry so much weight and how this pattern gets reinforced through family dynamics, past experiences, and subconscious self-protection. I share examples from my own life and my clients’ journeys to show how easy it is to let external voices override what you actually want.
I also talk about how to start loosening that grip. You’ll hear powerful reflection questions and mindset shifts that help you reconnect with your own truth, trust your decisions, and move forward without needing others' approval. If you’ve ever felt torn between what you want and what you think others expect of you, this episode will help you see that pattern clearly and start changing it.
Ready for clarity and a simple action plan to get your business started? Schedule a free 1-hour consultation with me here!
What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why other people’s opinions feel so convincing, even when they conflict with what you want.
How fear of judgment quietly shapes your decisions and keeps you stuck.
Reflection questions that help you separate your voice from everyone else’s.
How to build self-trust when you are making big, visible decisions.
What it looks like to choose your future without needing approval first.
Listen to the Full Episode:
Featured on the Show:
Click here for step-by-step instructions to leave a rating and review to let me know what you think, and don’t forget to share the podcast with others who you think would benefit!
If you're looking for the right environment to start your networking journey, look no further than my group, the Mom Entrepreneurs Circle. Sign up here for mutual support, advice sharing, and the tools you need for both you and your business to thrive.
Episodes Related to Other People’s Opinions:
Full Episode Transcript:
Have you ever not gone after something you really wanted because you were worried about what other people would think? Yeah, me too. Today, we’re talking about how other people’s opinions quietly shape our decisions, our careers, and our lives. And most importantly, I want to talk about how to take that power back.
Welcome to How to Quit Your Job, the podcast for moms ready to ditch the nine-to-five and build a life and business they love. I’m your host, Jenna Rykiel. Let’s go.
You're listening to episode 89 of the How to Quit Your Job podcast. And today, we're talking about other people's opinions. This comes up so often in my coaching with moms, and I'm really excited to share some of my thinking around this topic. At least how I help moms care a little less about other people's opinions so that they can live into what they truly want.
The reality is that this is one of those things that is just everywhere in our lives. Even when we're not consciously thinking about it, the fear or concern around what people might think of us is shaping our decisions, our actions, and honestly, the lives that we're building.
And this is such an important topic because I've talked to so many moms who are hesitant to start a business, hesitant to leave their nine-to-five, not because they don't want it, but because they're worried about what other people will think. What will their coworkers think? What will their friends who are all in corporate think? What will their parents think? What will their partner's family think?
I've heard it all, and I'm so grateful for those moms who have been brave enough to move forward anyway. But what I really think about are the moms I never get to talk to. The ones who are quietly dreaming of something more, the ones who can picture a life that feels aligned, more fulfilling, more like them, and they don't go after it because of the imagined opinions of other people.
So the intention of this episode is that I really just want to create some safety around that. I want to offer you a new way of thinking about other people's opinions so that when you're making decisions, you're making them based on what you actually want. Not based on what you think will keep you liked or accepted or understood.
So here's what we're going to do today. First, we're going to talk about why worrying about other people's opinions is such a problem and how it quietly holds us back. Then I want to give you one really powerful question you can ask yourself to see how much this is actually influencing your life.
And spoiler alert, the call to action for this week is going to be reflecting on the questions that I offer in this episode. So remember, you can always go to the show notes, jenna.coach/89 to check those out. Or if you happen to have the luxury of a pen and paper while you're listening, go ahead and jot them down. So I'll give you a couple of questions, of course, one truly powerful one that I want you to start with.
And then I'll walk you through a couple of perspective shifts that can really help loosen the grip of needing approval, especially in work and corporate environments, if you're one of those folks who is still in corporate or still in a nine-to-five. And the last thing I want to do is, again, like I said, I'm going to offer like a few reflection questions so that you can take this work deeper and start making decisions from your truth, not from fear of judgment.
So let's start with why this is such a big deal. Why talking about other people's opinions as a topic is so necessary. Like I said, so many moms I talk to feel hesitant even sharing their goals out loud at all. I know that that was 100% the case with me. I've talked about this before, I never told anyone that I wanted to start a business except my husband and my first career coach. But even when I talked about it with my husband, I wasn't taking it seriously.
But also, I didn't tell friends or family or anyone else in my life about the goal to start a business because it felt silly, and I didn't know what they'd think of it or think of me. I didn't want to hear that someone thought it was a bad idea or that I couldn't do it or that I was silly. I've talked about this before, but I'm so grateful that I had my first coach who created a space for me to share that deep-seated dream.
But the thing is, if that was my experience, that I didn't want to tell anyone, and if I hear it from so many moms who end up taking that initial step, who thought about not doing that, that tells me there are so many more women out there who never even let the dream fully form because they're so busy managing what they think other people might think.
As women, and especially as moms, we are wired to care about belonging. We are people pleasers, and on a very primal level, our brains equate belonging with safety. So when your mind starts spinning about what people will think of you, it's not because you're weak or dramatic. It's because your brain's just trying to protect you. Just like your brain tries to keep you safe from physical danger, it also tries to keep you safe from social rejection. From being judged, from being misunderstood, from being excluded.
So when you think about starting a business or leaving a stable job or doing something that doesn't fit neatly into the box everyone expects you to be in, your brain immediately thinks that's risky. And then it starts offering you thoughts about what coworkers, family, friends, neighbors, strangers on the internet, anyone who might have an opinion might think. The problem is, when we let those imagined opinions drive our decisions, we stop making choices based on what we actually want and we start making choices based on what we think will be most acceptable. And that, my friends, is a recipe for major regret.
Our lives are literally the result of the decisions we make. Tony Robbins says, it's in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped. So if our decisions are being filtered through this lens of, will this make people uncomfortable? Will they approve? Will they think I'm silly? Instead of the question, is this what I want? We slowly build a life that looks fine on the outside, but doesn't feel aligned or good on the inside.
And that's the story for so many of us leaders in corporate where we climb the ladder because that's what everyone does. And then somewhere along the way, especially if and when we have kids and our values shift, we start to see that there's more to life than having a seat at a corporate table and making decisions to make someone else really rich. And then we realize that everything is not fine. For those of us who are not fine in the nine-to-five life, I don't want us to hold back from creating change because we're worried about what other people think.
Now, I want to be really clear about something. This is not about never considering anyone else. It's not about being reckless or ignoring your family or refusing mentorship or feedback. Talking things through with people that you trust can be incredibly helpful. Hearing different perspectives can help you see blind spots. I am definitely not suggesting that you make big life decisions in a vacuum. There's a big difference between having real conversations with real, trusted people in your life and running imaginary conversations in your head about what people might think.
And then letting those imagined reactions stop you from even trying. Because when it's all happening in your head, your brain gets to fill in the blanks, as always. And our brains, especially when we're doing something new and scary, are not going to be neutral. In fact, it's always going to come up with narratives that deter us from the ultimate goal. That is our brain's job. As I've talked about before on the podcast, especially in episodes 78 and 86, our brains are wired to keep us in what's familiar.
So if you're thinking about starting a business or leaving corporate, your brain will very likely offer you stories like, people are going to think I'm irresponsible. They're going to think I'm full of myself. They're going to think I'm making a mistake. They're going to judge me. And it feels so real that we take that as truth, those thoughts. So we hold ourselves back, we downplay the desire. We don't talk about our ideas with people. We don't let ourselves build momentum. We don't do any of the things that move us forward.
I had a mom on a free consultation call recently who said one of her biggest fears about starting a business was what her coworkers would think of her. And that makes so much sense. Work is such a big part of our identity. Many of us work in our jobs for many years.
I know I worked at my company for a decade. And leaving a job always stirs up opinions. But here's what's interesting. Coworkers in the grand scheme of our lives are so temporary. Well, often temporary. Some do become lifelong friends, absolutely, but many don't. And yet their imagined opinions can have an enormous impact of power over our decisions if we let them.
I know this woman that I talked to is not alone. And thankfully she moved forward with starting her business and doing it anyway. But there's this part of us that doesn't want to be talked about, doesn't want to be judged, doesn't want to make waves, even when people whose opinions we’re worried about aren't the ones who are going to be living our life. So how do we know if this is actually happening in our lives and to what extent?
I want you to look at what you do on a daily basis and ask yourself, which of these things that I do feel aligned and genuinely chosen and which of these things do I do because I should or because I want to influence how I'm perceived? Silly, but relatable, example is the classic school bake sale. Let's say your kids' school asks for volunteers to bake something. If you raise your hand to participate, I want you to notice why.
Are you someone who genuinely loves baking? Do you find it relaxing? Is it exciting to contribute? Or are you raising your hand because you want to be seen as helpful? You want to be seen as a team player, as a good mom. And then you end up stressed, overwhelmed, and slightly resentful while you're doing it. Which one of those buckets do you fall into? Neither makes you a bad person, but one is driven by alignment, one feels good, and one is driven by wanting to influence what others think of us. There's tons of different versions of this that I want you to think about for your own life.
I want you to ask yourself why behind those decisions. Like, why do you volunteer for things? Why do you invite people over? Why do you say and do the things that you do? I had my own version of this recently with play dates. So when my son first started at a new preschool, there was a part of me that really wanted to be liked and accepted, okay? No shame in that. We all want to be liked and accepted. It's a new environment, it's new parents, it's a new social circle.
As I've mentioned, my husband and I recently, a few months ago in August, moved from Maryland to Colorado, and so it's a completely new environment for us. We have very few friends here who have kids. So my son started at this new school, and our house is actually great for play dates. We have a big finished basement, tons of toys, lots of space for kids to run around. And I found myself inviting people over.
And if I'm being honest, if you know me, a lot of those invitations weren't coming from a place of, I truly want to host people today. They were coming from a place of, I want to be the friendly, welcoming, likable mom. And then the play date would be on the calendar, and I'd think, ugh, I just want to be in my sweatpants with no plans and a messy house and no small talk. I'm very introverted. I prefer one-on-one. So being social doesn't give me energy the way it does for some people, especially people like my husband. Him and I are polar opposites when it comes to being in group situations.
And it wasn't until I started talking to one mom that I genuinely connect with, and I said to her very honestly, I don't think I'm going to invite anyone else over because I just don't feel like cleaning or hosting. And then I realized something. In that moment, I realized that when I said the thing that might make me sound less nice or more curmudgeonly, I felt so much relief. And it made me see how often before that I had been doing things not because I wanted to, but because I wanted to be seen a certain way.
And that brings me to one of the most powerful questions, like I mentioned, that I would share. One of the most powerful questions that you can ask yourself when you're trying to untangle what you want from what you think will be approved of. So here's the question. Question is, what would I do if I knew everyone would love my decision? If you truly believed that no one would judge you, be disappointed, be confused, or think less of you, what would you choose? What would you say yes to? What would you say no to? What would you finally admit you want?
This doesn't mean we ignore other people's feelings or responsibilities. It just means we temporarily remove imagined disapproval from the equation so we can actually hear what we want. Because when you take out the question of what will they think, when you take that question out of the decision, what's left is what you want. It's what's aligned with you and for you.
So now I want to offer a couple of perspective shifts that are really powerful when it comes to releasing the grip of other people's opinions. The first one is this: worrying about what other people think is a battle we can never actually win.
And not because we can't ever influence people's opinions at all. We can a little bit, for sure. But because we never truly know what other people are thinking. We'll never know 100% what they're thinking. And even if we did, their thoughts are constantly changing. Half the time, we don't even know what we think.
One day we feel confident and grounded, the next day we're questioning everything. One day we love something, the next day we're unsure. If you're anything like me, you regularly say, it depends on my mood when someone asks you how you feel about something. Our thoughts are fluid. They're a moving target. Trying to manage and control and understand 100% what someone else thinks of you is exhausting because you're trying to hit a target that is constantly shifting.
It's almost like trying to figure out what a toddler is thinking. One minute they're melting down because you took the scissors away, and the next minute they're climbing in your lap with a book and telling you they love you. There's like no consistency. Adults are obviously more regulated than toddlers, but our minds still change. Our opinions shift, our moods influence our perceptions. So even if you could get a true snapshot of what someone thinks of you in one moment, that doesn't mean that's what they'll think tomorrow or next month or next year.
And that's why I think a much more useful place to put your energy is not into managing what other people think of you, but putting it into getting really grounded in what you think of you. You're the one who has to live with your decisions. You're the one who goes to bed with yourself at night and wakes up with yourself in the morning. So the question becomes, are you making decisions you can respect yourself for, even if other people don't understand them?
Another place where this really shows up, especially for folks still in corporate or a nine-to-five, is around feedback. I mentioned earlier the client who was worried about what her coworkers would think if she left to start a business. And the truth is, they will think things. Everyone will. Some will be excited for her, some will be inspired, some will be jealous. Some will be annoyed because they'll have to take on more work. Some might be thinking, wow, good for her, while others are like, I could never do that.
If you asked 10 coworkers, you'd get 10 different opinions. And that's such an important thing to remember because any single opinion is not an absolute truth. Let's say one person thinks she's too good for us or she thinks she's too good for us. Even if that's someone's thought, it doesn't make it the truth. It's just one person's interpretation filtered through their own fears and experiences and insecurities.
This is something I learned so clearly in corporate when it came to feedback because I would get feedback that was completely contradictory. One manager would say you need to be more vulnerable, another would say you need to be less emotional. One would say speak up more, another would say you should listen more. And at first, it was very confusing.
But what I eventually realized was that feedback tells you more about what the other person values than it tells us about who we are. Someone who values vulnerability will want more of that. Someone who values emotional restraint will definitely want less vulnerability. Someone who values assertiveness will want us to speak up, and someone who values harmony and not rocking the boat might want us to hold back a little bit.
It doesn't mean feedback is useless. It just means that you get to decide what you take and what you leave. You don't have to make every opinion mean something about your worth or your capability. It actually doesn't have to mean anything about you, which is a really amazing thing to consider.
And the same is true outside of work. And sometimes it's okay for people to be wrong about us. It's actually a skill to let people be wrong. It's empowering and freeing. I'll never forget, there's this story when my sister and I were in our 20s. My sister is two years older than me. I have two sisters. We're each two years apart. I'm the youngest.
And my middle sister and I, we were in our 20s. We were both living in Baltimore, and we were out to dinner with a couple of friends. And it was one of those nights where you're just laughing uncontrollably. I remember being with my now brother-in-law at the time. So, him and my sister hadn't even started dating yet. It was like the beginning phases of friends going out together, and it was just such a fun dinner. We were totally in our own world, having the best time.
And on the walk home, a childhood friend texted us and asked if we had just been at whatever restaurant it was that we had dinner. And we said, yeah, you know, how did you know? And then she sent us a screenshot of a Facebook post someone from our high school had made, saying that they had seen my sister and I at the restaurant and that we were laughing at them and making fun of her at the next table. And it was so wild and confusing for us in that moment because we hadn't even noticed anyone else in the restaurant. We were just having fun. There was zero truth to that story.
And instead of being devastated or defensive, I remember feeling pretty neutral and honestly, kind of sad for this person because it was so clear that her interpretation had everything to do with her, not with us. It was her story, her truth, her interpretation, and we just decided to let her be wrong. We didn't jump in to correct it. We didn't feel the need to manage her perception or comment or do anything reactive. We didn't try to control the narrative. We knew who we were and what had happened and, and that was enough for us. And that's such a powerful skill, allowing people to be wrong about you.
Another example of this is something I just recently found out that I actually love. So my husband and I, we quit our jobs in 2015 and traveled the world for a year before we were married. We went to 18 countries. We spent a lot of our savings, and at the time we were just excited. We were focused on the adventure, on the experience, on doing something that felt really aligned and meaningful to us.
And years later, a friend admitted that when we did that, when we went on this yearlong adventure and quit our jobs, he actually thought we were idiots for doing it. He thought we were completely throwing our careers away. And he actually told us that to our face recently, so 10 years later or so. And then he laughed and said, joke’s on me because now I wish I had done something like that. And clearly it didn't ruin your careers at all.
What's so interesting is that we had no idea he thought that at the time. And if we had known, it might have shaken us. We might have questioned our decisions. We might have hesitated. I doubt we would have canceled the entire trip, but it's interesting that we didn't know that people had these thoughts about us at the time. But he was wrong about us, about what was best for our lives and careers. And time revealed that.
And this is why the most important question in all of this is not, what do they think, but what are you committed to believing about yourself, no matter what other people think. If you go after your dreams and succeed, some people will be inspired. Some people will be jealous. Some people will feel you left them behind. If you go after your dreams and struggle or fail, some people will judge you. Some may misunderstand. Some may create stories about you. Are you willing to let them be wrong? What are you committed to believing about yourself anyway?
When I think back to that year of travel, I remember having this deep belief that the experience would open doors, not close them. I had this belief that it would expand me, not derail me. That even if it didn't make logical sense on paper for my career, for us to just quit and leave the country with no real plan, it made sense for the life that I wanted to live and the experiences that I wanted to create.
And I was committed to that belief. Even if someone else thought I was being irresponsible or naive. And that guided me more throughout that experience and within my career thereafter, and has absolutely helped shape my success in my career and as a human being. Your self-concept, your thoughts about yourself, matter more than any outside opinion.
And here's the thing. Let's say you do hear an outside opinion, a judgment, someone who doesn't agree with you for what you're doing with your career. I want you to ask yourself, so what? Why does their opinion matter to me? Should it matter to me? Will their opinion matter 10 years from now? More importantly, though, as you think about starting a business, leaving a job, or making any decision that feels big and vulnerable, I want you to come back to this. What do you think of you when you imagine yourself going after your dreams? What do you want your story to be?
Because other people's opinions will be there. And like I said, we'll likely never truly know what they are. And they're always a moving target. They're based on their fears, their values, their experiences, their moods, and they will change. They will contradict each other. They will sometimes be wrong. You can't make everybody happy. But your opinion is the one that truly matters. So make decisions you can stand behind. Make decisions that align with the life you want to build. Let people think what they're going to think, and then go live your life anyway.
For this week, I really want you to reflect on the questions I shared and really understand how much of your life is being dictated by what other people think. For some of you, it's going to be a few nuggets, and for others, especially my people pleasers, you're likely going to feel a little overwhelmed by how much of your life is being controlled by others' perceived thoughts.
You can grab all the questions that I talked about in the show notes. You can go to jenna.coach/89, where you can download the transcript from the episode. You can copy and paste the questions in a journal or just take a second to look and think about them when you have some time.
The most important reflections I'll just also restate them here. What would I do if I knew everyone would love my decision? That's the number one question. I love that question. What are you committed to believing about yourself, no matter what other people think? Also so powerful, right? And that one's really good for like so many things in this work of entrepreneurship and motherhood and life. What do you think of you when you imagine going after your dreams? What do you want your story to be?
And listen, if you're in the overwhelmed category, that's why this podcast exists. So we can find these blind spots and places where we're holding ourselves back, plug the leaks, and keep moving. If you know you want to start a business, be your own boss and create something of your own so that you have more autonomy and flexibility in your life and you find that you're afraid to talk about it, go to the show notes and schedule a free one-hour consultation with me.
Talk about it with me. I've talked to so many moms and never once have I thought a mom was silly, irresponsible, out of her mind, or asking for too much. So that's a safe space to say out loud the thing that you're scared to share with most people.
And I also have a free Mom Entrepreneur Circle. You can go to the show notes. Again, all this information will be in there. All these links. Join that free Mom Entrepreneur circle. We meet every other week, and it's a great community of moms that are ready and willing to hear your big dreams spoken aloud and also to hold you accountable to make decisions and take action that align with what you want, not what other people want.
So reflect, learn a little bit more about yourself, do the thing that other people might question that feels aligned with you, and step into spaces where people are already doing the thing that you want to be doing. That is the work this week. I love you. You've got this. It's a process, but it's so worthwhile, not just for starting a business, not just for transitioning out of corporate, but for all things life, motherhood, and being a human being. You've got this. I'll see you next week.
Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of How to Quit Your Job: A Mom’s Guide to Creating a Life and Business You Love. If you want to learn more about how I can help you stop making excuses and start making moves, head on over to www.jenna.coach. I’ll see you next week.
Welcome to How to Quit Your Job, the podcast for moms ready to ditch the nine-to-five and build a life and business they love. I’m your host, Jenna Rykiel. Let’s go.
You're listening to episode 89 of the How to Quit Your Job podcast. And today, we're talking about other people's opinions. This comes up so often in my coaching with moms, and I'm really excited to share some of my thinking around this topic. At least how I help moms care a little less about other people's opinions so that they can live into what they truly want.
The reality is that this is one of those things that is just everywhere in our lives. Even when we're not consciously thinking about it, the fear or concern around what people might think of us is shaping our decisions, our actions, and honestly, the lives that we're building.
And this is such an important topic because I've talked to so many moms who are hesitant to start a business, hesitant to leave their nine-to-five, not because they don't want it, but because they're worried about what other people will think. What will their coworkers think? What will their friends who are all in corporate think? What will their parents think? What will their partner's family think?
I've heard it all, and I'm so grateful for those moms who have been brave enough to move forward anyway. But what I really think about are the moms I never get to talk to. The ones who are quietly dreaming of something more, the ones who can picture a life that feels aligned, more fulfilling, more like them, and they don't go after it because of the imagined opinions of other people.
So the intention of this episode is that I really just want to create some safety around that. I want to offer you a new way of thinking about other people's opinions so that when you're making decisions, you're making them based on what you actually want. Not based on what you think will keep you liked or accepted or understood.
So here's what we're going to do today. First, we're going to talk about why worrying about other people's opinions is such a problem and how it quietly holds us back. Then I want to give you one really powerful question you can ask yourself to see how much this is actually influencing your life.
And spoiler alert, the call to action for this week is going to be reflecting on the questions that I offer in this episode. So remember, you can always go to the show notes, jenna.coach/89 to check those out. Or if you happen to have the luxury of a pen and paper while you're listening, go ahead and jot them down. So I'll give you a couple of questions, of course, one truly powerful one that I want you to start with.
And then I'll walk you through a couple of perspective shifts that can really help loosen the grip of needing approval, especially in work and corporate environments, if you're one of those folks who is still in corporate or still in a nine-to-five. And the last thing I want to do is, again, like I said, I'm going to offer like a few reflection questions so that you can take this work deeper and start making decisions from your truth, not from fear of judgment.
So let's start with why this is such a big deal. Why talking about other people's opinions as a topic is so necessary. Like I said, so many moms I talk to feel hesitant even sharing their goals out loud at all. I know that that was 100% the case with me. I've talked about this before, I never told anyone that I wanted to start a business except my husband and my first career coach. But even when I talked about it with my husband, I wasn't taking it seriously.
But also, I didn't tell friends or family or anyone else in my life about the goal to start a business because it felt silly, and I didn't know what they'd think of it or think of me. I didn't want to hear that someone thought it was a bad idea or that I couldn't do it or that I was silly. I've talked about this before, but I'm so grateful that I had my first coach who created a space for me to share that deep-seated dream.
But the thing is, if that was my experience, that I didn't want to tell anyone, and if I hear it from so many moms who end up taking that initial step, who thought about not doing that, that tells me there are so many more women out there who never even let the dream fully form because they're so busy managing what they think other people might think.
As women, and especially as moms, we are wired to care about belonging. We are people pleasers, and on a very primal level, our brains equate belonging with safety. So when your mind starts spinning about what people will think of you, it's not because you're weak or dramatic. It's because your brain's just trying to protect you. Just like your brain tries to keep you safe from physical danger, it also tries to keep you safe from social rejection. From being judged, from being misunderstood, from being excluded.
So when you think about starting a business or leaving a stable job or doing something that doesn't fit neatly into the box everyone expects you to be in, your brain immediately thinks that's risky. And then it starts offering you thoughts about what coworkers, family, friends, neighbors, strangers on the internet, anyone who might have an opinion might think. The problem is, when we let those imagined opinions drive our decisions, we stop making choices based on what we actually want and we start making choices based on what we think will be most acceptable. And that, my friends, is a recipe for major regret.
Our lives are literally the result of the decisions we make. Tony Robbins says, it's in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped. So if our decisions are being filtered through this lens of, will this make people uncomfortable? Will they approve? Will they think I'm silly? Instead of the question, is this what I want? We slowly build a life that looks fine on the outside, but doesn't feel aligned or good on the inside.
And that's the story for so many of us leaders in corporate where we climb the ladder because that's what everyone does. And then somewhere along the way, especially if and when we have kids and our values shift, we start to see that there's more to life than having a seat at a corporate table and making decisions to make someone else really rich. And then we realize that everything is not fine. For those of us who are not fine in the nine-to-five life, I don't want us to hold back from creating change because we're worried about what other people think.
Now, I want to be really clear about something. This is not about never considering anyone else. It's not about being reckless or ignoring your family or refusing mentorship or feedback. Talking things through with people that you trust can be incredibly helpful. Hearing different perspectives can help you see blind spots. I am definitely not suggesting that you make big life decisions in a vacuum. There's a big difference between having real conversations with real, trusted people in your life and running imaginary conversations in your head about what people might think.
And then letting those imagined reactions stop you from even trying. Because when it's all happening in your head, your brain gets to fill in the blanks, as always. And our brains, especially when we're doing something new and scary, are not going to be neutral. In fact, it's always going to come up with narratives that deter us from the ultimate goal. That is our brain's job. As I've talked about before on the podcast, especially in episodes 78 and 86, our brains are wired to keep us in what's familiar.
So if you're thinking about starting a business or leaving corporate, your brain will very likely offer you stories like, people are going to think I'm irresponsible. They're going to think I'm full of myself. They're going to think I'm making a mistake. They're going to judge me. And it feels so real that we take that as truth, those thoughts. So we hold ourselves back, we downplay the desire. We don't talk about our ideas with people. We don't let ourselves build momentum. We don't do any of the things that move us forward.
I had a mom on a free consultation call recently who said one of her biggest fears about starting a business was what her coworkers would think of her. And that makes so much sense. Work is such a big part of our identity. Many of us work in our jobs for many years.
I know I worked at my company for a decade. And leaving a job always stirs up opinions. But here's what's interesting. Coworkers in the grand scheme of our lives are so temporary. Well, often temporary. Some do become lifelong friends, absolutely, but many don't. And yet their imagined opinions can have an enormous impact of power over our decisions if we let them.
I know this woman that I talked to is not alone. And thankfully she moved forward with starting her business and doing it anyway. But there's this part of us that doesn't want to be talked about, doesn't want to be judged, doesn't want to make waves, even when people whose opinions we’re worried about aren't the ones who are going to be living our life. So how do we know if this is actually happening in our lives and to what extent?
I want you to look at what you do on a daily basis and ask yourself, which of these things that I do feel aligned and genuinely chosen and which of these things do I do because I should or because I want to influence how I'm perceived? Silly, but relatable, example is the classic school bake sale. Let's say your kids' school asks for volunteers to bake something. If you raise your hand to participate, I want you to notice why.
Are you someone who genuinely loves baking? Do you find it relaxing? Is it exciting to contribute? Or are you raising your hand because you want to be seen as helpful? You want to be seen as a team player, as a good mom. And then you end up stressed, overwhelmed, and slightly resentful while you're doing it. Which one of those buckets do you fall into? Neither makes you a bad person, but one is driven by alignment, one feels good, and one is driven by wanting to influence what others think of us. There's tons of different versions of this that I want you to think about for your own life.
I want you to ask yourself why behind those decisions. Like, why do you volunteer for things? Why do you invite people over? Why do you say and do the things that you do? I had my own version of this recently with play dates. So when my son first started at a new preschool, there was a part of me that really wanted to be liked and accepted, okay? No shame in that. We all want to be liked and accepted. It's a new environment, it's new parents, it's a new social circle.
As I've mentioned, my husband and I recently, a few months ago in August, moved from Maryland to Colorado, and so it's a completely new environment for us. We have very few friends here who have kids. So my son started at this new school, and our house is actually great for play dates. We have a big finished basement, tons of toys, lots of space for kids to run around. And I found myself inviting people over.
And if I'm being honest, if you know me, a lot of those invitations weren't coming from a place of, I truly want to host people today. They were coming from a place of, I want to be the friendly, welcoming, likable mom. And then the play date would be on the calendar, and I'd think, ugh, I just want to be in my sweatpants with no plans and a messy house and no small talk. I'm very introverted. I prefer one-on-one. So being social doesn't give me energy the way it does for some people, especially people like my husband. Him and I are polar opposites when it comes to being in group situations.
And it wasn't until I started talking to one mom that I genuinely connect with, and I said to her very honestly, I don't think I'm going to invite anyone else over because I just don't feel like cleaning or hosting. And then I realized something. In that moment, I realized that when I said the thing that might make me sound less nice or more curmudgeonly, I felt so much relief. And it made me see how often before that I had been doing things not because I wanted to, but because I wanted to be seen a certain way.
And that brings me to one of the most powerful questions, like I mentioned, that I would share. One of the most powerful questions that you can ask yourself when you're trying to untangle what you want from what you think will be approved of. So here's the question. Question is, what would I do if I knew everyone would love my decision? If you truly believed that no one would judge you, be disappointed, be confused, or think less of you, what would you choose? What would you say yes to? What would you say no to? What would you finally admit you want?
This doesn't mean we ignore other people's feelings or responsibilities. It just means we temporarily remove imagined disapproval from the equation so we can actually hear what we want. Because when you take out the question of what will they think, when you take that question out of the decision, what's left is what you want. It's what's aligned with you and for you.
So now I want to offer a couple of perspective shifts that are really powerful when it comes to releasing the grip of other people's opinions. The first one is this: worrying about what other people think is a battle we can never actually win.
And not because we can't ever influence people's opinions at all. We can a little bit, for sure. But because we never truly know what other people are thinking. We'll never know 100% what they're thinking. And even if we did, their thoughts are constantly changing. Half the time, we don't even know what we think.
One day we feel confident and grounded, the next day we're questioning everything. One day we love something, the next day we're unsure. If you're anything like me, you regularly say, it depends on my mood when someone asks you how you feel about something. Our thoughts are fluid. They're a moving target. Trying to manage and control and understand 100% what someone else thinks of you is exhausting because you're trying to hit a target that is constantly shifting.
It's almost like trying to figure out what a toddler is thinking. One minute they're melting down because you took the scissors away, and the next minute they're climbing in your lap with a book and telling you they love you. There's like no consistency. Adults are obviously more regulated than toddlers, but our minds still change. Our opinions shift, our moods influence our perceptions. So even if you could get a true snapshot of what someone thinks of you in one moment, that doesn't mean that's what they'll think tomorrow or next month or next year.
And that's why I think a much more useful place to put your energy is not into managing what other people think of you, but putting it into getting really grounded in what you think of you. You're the one who has to live with your decisions. You're the one who goes to bed with yourself at night and wakes up with yourself in the morning. So the question becomes, are you making decisions you can respect yourself for, even if other people don't understand them?
Another place where this really shows up, especially for folks still in corporate or a nine-to-five, is around feedback. I mentioned earlier the client who was worried about what her coworkers would think if she left to start a business. And the truth is, they will think things. Everyone will. Some will be excited for her, some will be inspired, some will be jealous. Some will be annoyed because they'll have to take on more work. Some might be thinking, wow, good for her, while others are like, I could never do that.
If you asked 10 coworkers, you'd get 10 different opinions. And that's such an important thing to remember because any single opinion is not an absolute truth. Let's say one person thinks she's too good for us or she thinks she's too good for us. Even if that's someone's thought, it doesn't make it the truth. It's just one person's interpretation filtered through their own fears and experiences and insecurities.
This is something I learned so clearly in corporate when it came to feedback because I would get feedback that was completely contradictory. One manager would say you need to be more vulnerable, another would say you need to be less emotional. One would say speak up more, another would say you should listen more. And at first, it was very confusing.
But what I eventually realized was that feedback tells you more about what the other person values than it tells us about who we are. Someone who values vulnerability will want more of that. Someone who values emotional restraint will definitely want less vulnerability. Someone who values assertiveness will want us to speak up, and someone who values harmony and not rocking the boat might want us to hold back a little bit.
It doesn't mean feedback is useless. It just means that you get to decide what you take and what you leave. You don't have to make every opinion mean something about your worth or your capability. It actually doesn't have to mean anything about you, which is a really amazing thing to consider.
And the same is true outside of work. And sometimes it's okay for people to be wrong about us. It's actually a skill to let people be wrong. It's empowering and freeing. I'll never forget, there's this story when my sister and I were in our 20s. My sister is two years older than me. I have two sisters. We're each two years apart. I'm the youngest.
And my middle sister and I, we were in our 20s. We were both living in Baltimore, and we were out to dinner with a couple of friends. And it was one of those nights where you're just laughing uncontrollably. I remember being with my now brother-in-law at the time. So, him and my sister hadn't even started dating yet. It was like the beginning phases of friends going out together, and it was just such a fun dinner. We were totally in our own world, having the best time.
And on the walk home, a childhood friend texted us and asked if we had just been at whatever restaurant it was that we had dinner. And we said, yeah, you know, how did you know? And then she sent us a screenshot of a Facebook post someone from our high school had made, saying that they had seen my sister and I at the restaurant and that we were laughing at them and making fun of her at the next table. And it was so wild and confusing for us in that moment because we hadn't even noticed anyone else in the restaurant. We were just having fun. There was zero truth to that story.
And instead of being devastated or defensive, I remember feeling pretty neutral and honestly, kind of sad for this person because it was so clear that her interpretation had everything to do with her, not with us. It was her story, her truth, her interpretation, and we just decided to let her be wrong. We didn't jump in to correct it. We didn't feel the need to manage her perception or comment or do anything reactive. We didn't try to control the narrative. We knew who we were and what had happened and, and that was enough for us. And that's such a powerful skill, allowing people to be wrong about you.
Another example of this is something I just recently found out that I actually love. So my husband and I, we quit our jobs in 2015 and traveled the world for a year before we were married. We went to 18 countries. We spent a lot of our savings, and at the time we were just excited. We were focused on the adventure, on the experience, on doing something that felt really aligned and meaningful to us.
And years later, a friend admitted that when we did that, when we went on this yearlong adventure and quit our jobs, he actually thought we were idiots for doing it. He thought we were completely throwing our careers away. And he actually told us that to our face recently, so 10 years later or so. And then he laughed and said, joke’s on me because now I wish I had done something like that. And clearly it didn't ruin your careers at all.
What's so interesting is that we had no idea he thought that at the time. And if we had known, it might have shaken us. We might have questioned our decisions. We might have hesitated. I doubt we would have canceled the entire trip, but it's interesting that we didn't know that people had these thoughts about us at the time. But he was wrong about us, about what was best for our lives and careers. And time revealed that.
And this is why the most important question in all of this is not, what do they think, but what are you committed to believing about yourself, no matter what other people think. If you go after your dreams and succeed, some people will be inspired. Some people will be jealous. Some people will feel you left them behind. If you go after your dreams and struggle or fail, some people will judge you. Some may misunderstand. Some may create stories about you. Are you willing to let them be wrong? What are you committed to believing about yourself anyway?
When I think back to that year of travel, I remember having this deep belief that the experience would open doors, not close them. I had this belief that it would expand me, not derail me. That even if it didn't make logical sense on paper for my career, for us to just quit and leave the country with no real plan, it made sense for the life that I wanted to live and the experiences that I wanted to create.
And I was committed to that belief. Even if someone else thought I was being irresponsible or naive. And that guided me more throughout that experience and within my career thereafter, and has absolutely helped shape my success in my career and as a human being. Your self-concept, your thoughts about yourself, matter more than any outside opinion.
And here's the thing. Let's say you do hear an outside opinion, a judgment, someone who doesn't agree with you for what you're doing with your career. I want you to ask yourself, so what? Why does their opinion matter to me? Should it matter to me? Will their opinion matter 10 years from now? More importantly, though, as you think about starting a business, leaving a job, or making any decision that feels big and vulnerable, I want you to come back to this. What do you think of you when you imagine yourself going after your dreams? What do you want your story to be?
Because other people's opinions will be there. And like I said, we'll likely never truly know what they are. And they're always a moving target. They're based on their fears, their values, their experiences, their moods, and they will change. They will contradict each other. They will sometimes be wrong. You can't make everybody happy. But your opinion is the one that truly matters. So make decisions you can stand behind. Make decisions that align with the life you want to build. Let people think what they're going to think, and then go live your life anyway.
For this week, I really want you to reflect on the questions I shared and really understand how much of your life is being dictated by what other people think. For some of you, it's going to be a few nuggets, and for others, especially my people pleasers, you're likely going to feel a little overwhelmed by how much of your life is being controlled by others' perceived thoughts.
You can grab all the questions that I talked about in the show notes. You can go to jenna.coach/89, where you can download the transcript from the episode. You can copy and paste the questions in a journal or just take a second to look and think about them when you have some time.
The most important reflections I'll just also restate them here. What would I do if I knew everyone would love my decision? That's the number one question. I love that question. What are you committed to believing about yourself, no matter what other people think? Also so powerful, right? And that one's really good for like so many things in this work of entrepreneurship and motherhood and life. What do you think of you when you imagine going after your dreams? What do you want your story to be?
And listen, if you're in the overwhelmed category, that's why this podcast exists. So we can find these blind spots and places where we're holding ourselves back, plug the leaks, and keep moving. If you know you want to start a business, be your own boss and create something of your own so that you have more autonomy and flexibility in your life and you find that you're afraid to talk about it, go to the show notes and schedule a free one-hour consultation with me.
Talk about it with me. I've talked to so many moms and never once have I thought a mom was silly, irresponsible, out of her mind, or asking for too much. So that's a safe space to say out loud the thing that you're scared to share with most people.
And I also have a free Mom Entrepreneur Circle. You can go to the show notes. Again, all this information will be in there. All these links. Join that free Mom Entrepreneur circle. We meet every other week, and it's a great community of moms that are ready and willing to hear your big dreams spoken aloud and also to hold you accountable to make decisions and take action that align with what you want, not what other people want.
So reflect, learn a little bit more about yourself, do the thing that other people might question that feels aligned with you, and step into spaces where people are already doing the thing that you want to be doing. That is the work this week. I love you. You've got this. It's a process, but it's so worthwhile, not just for starting a business, not just for transitioning out of corporate, but for all things life, motherhood, and being a human being. You've got this. I'll see you next week.
Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of How to Quit Your Job: A Mom’s Guide to Creating a Life and Business You Love. If you want to learn more about how I can help you stop making excuses and start making moves, head on over to www.jenna.coach. I’ll see you next week.
Enjoy the Show?
Don’t miss an episode, follow the podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or RSS.
Previous
Previous
90. How to Stop Avoiding Disappointment and Start Building Capacity
Next
Next